The Secrete Life of Julia

WARNING:

If you are of a delicate sensibility and your gross-out threshold is lower than an Ewok at a limbo party, or if you happen to be eating right now, you might want to consider taking a pass on this post for the moment.  One goal of this blog is to shed light upon the fantastic mysteries of Keetain behavior.  Unfortunately, not all of what you read here will be pleasant or easy to stomach.

Brave you are?  Thirsty for knowledge you are?  Then at your own risk proceed.  Be warned, young Skywalker, reeks of TMI this topic does.

Today I will be discussing Julia’s anus.

More specifically, her anal glands and their foul, putrid, disgusting secretions.

Mark with Julia, who luckily was not secreting at that moment

I have often asked myself whether anal glands might be some kind of cruel joke on the part of the maker of all creatures great and small (not James Herriot – the other one). Clearly the Almighty has a warped sense of humor when it comes to cats -- and dogs, for that matter – and their owners.  It would seem that the viscous exudate of feline anal sacs serves no purpose other than to make one recoil in horror if one’s skin accidentally comes into contact with it.  An urgent trip to the bathroom ensues, where there is frantic scrubbing and dousing with perfume to neutralize the stench and a mighty battle with the urge to vomit and pass out.  Through all this, God merely points and laughs.

In actuality, these two little buds of repugnance, located at approximately 5 and 7 o’clock inside a 'Tain’s pert little sphincter, do indeed serve another purpose.  They miraculously enable their owner to communicate telepathically with other cats, much like a Jedi or Sith can, only in a far more revolting way.

And with Julia, dear readers, the Force is strong.

When she is experiencing pleasure of any kind; a treat, a nice petting session, or her peculiar favorite; being wiped down with a warm wet washcloth, my other cats materialize as if by telekinesis.  Upon arrival, they stick their noses right up into her butt.  Usually they leave, wondering what the big whoop was.  They feel pretty stupid about having given in to this Jedi mind trick, but, mind you, not about sticking their noses up another cat’s behind.  They also feel compelled to perform this dignified gesture at mealtime.  It appears that they can taste Julia's food through molecular pheromone transference from her portal of elimination, thereby sharing her dinner without incurring an extra plate charge.

A cat's anal sacs are usually expressed when she passes feces.  They may also excrete when the 'Tain is startled.  Joy of joys, sometimes they just drip randomly.  One day, to my dismay, I found that someone had “expressed herself” on the keyboard of my laptop.  But just like dogs, cats’ sacs can get impacted and need a helping latex-gloved hand.  I thank my lucky stars I have never yet had to manually evacuate any of my kids’ sacs.

I would rather be tied to a chair and forced to rewatch the Emperor's overdubbed death scene in Episode VI, hearing Darth Vader moo, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" on an endless loop throughout  all eternity.