Les Meowsérables

As a New Yorker living blocks from Times Square for 8 years, I used to turn a cold, glazed eye at those long-running musicals that had inhabited their respective theatres so long that their sets were growing lichen.  The prime example is that still twitching tourist trap, The Show With The Chandelier, which after 25 years is just a foundered old warhorse whose time is come to be put in a piano box and buried as far away from Secretariat as possible.
 I might add that Phantom of the Opera should not be confused with War Horse, which is a thoroughly awesome piece of theater.

I held a similar view of its cousin, Les Misérables.  I saw it once, long ago and in a galaxy far away, and felt no need to see it again.  But here it was in movie form.  I had heard good things about it, that the singing was live, that Anne Hathaway and Samantha Barks were amazing (but do NOT get me started on Russell Crowe, who should never be allowed near a piano again, much less an orchestra), and that it made grown men cry.  All true; my kind of film.  I could not get Mark to see it with me, but I would have gone anyway, for two reasons:  Hugh and Jackman.

Because I am a SAG-AFTRA member, I received a review copy of this behemoth on DVD, where it sat waiting for my vote.  And yes, I voted for Hugh, but I knew going up against Daniel Day-Lewis for a Best Actor SAG Award must be like going up against Muhammad Ali with a blindfold on.

So, if I were going to recast this movie with my Keetains, who would play whom?

Julia Flyte as Fantine

Julia always looks sad, even when she isn't.  It's just the way her face is put together.  She bows her head down and looks up with her limpid eyes, just like Lady Di used to do.  Her life experience would make her an obvious choice for Fantine.  She had a hard life growing up before she was rescued.  She had her belly shaved for her spaying.  She had one tooth pulled because of an FORL.  She used to be the only cat in the household, and now she's third in the pecking order because she's the littlest and the shyest.  Her brother, before he was neutered, tried to have an Arkansas wedding with her.  But don't worry; unlike her film counterpart she has a happier fate now that she's cherished in my house.

Sebastian Flyte as Marius

Romantic, affectionate, steadfast and loyal, naive, a lover, not a fighter (though he bested Keaton once in a tussle).  One just wants to pull for him and see him happy ever after on the lap of the love of his life.  Which is hopefully me.  You could hear Jean Valjean (or The People) sing, "He's like the cat I might have owned / If God had granted me a cat . . ."

Keaton as Monsieur Thénardier

Even without a Mrs. T, Keaton does just fine thankyouverymuch.  Self-centered to the extreme, sneaky, witty, crafty, lightening fast, Keaton is an entrepreneur constantly running a scheme.  A great big clown, he always does it with charm and humor, however, so you forgive him his trespasses.  He's smart as a whip and a surviver, so he'll always win in the end, even if Valjean (Mark) doesn't ever let the guy pull one over on him.  But Keaton's definitely master of this house.

And no, I never, ever, EVER saw Cats.